Monday, April 05, 2010

Because I'm All About Public Service


Definitions are a tricky business. Similar to art, pornography, and Neo-cons, Douchebags are easy to spot, but diffcult to concisely define. In the interest of self-awareness and a desire to leave the World in a better place after I'm dead-and-gone, I offer the following (Beta 1.0) 12-step test that can be used to identify Douchebaggery - male or female, young or old. Only through classification of Douchebags can we offer them the help they need in the internment camps that will keep keep them far away from the rest of us.

Disclaimer: The Innertubes seems to be littered with such quizzes. But I'm having a slow day at the office, so I made my own. Okay?

Instructions: Answer each of the 12 questions honestly - for yourself, someone you know, or someone you want to mock. You can do this silently in your head or do it out loud for the enjoyment of those around you. For each 'true' statement:
  • Score 1 point!
  • Try your luck at the 2 bonus questions for each question
  • Score 1 extra point for each Bonus question you answer 'true'
When you're done, add up your score and see how you rate on the Douchebag Standard Scale.

1. I’ve spent money at a tanning salon.
    a. I have membership.
    b. I use the spray-tan booth.

2. I drive a black SUV that’s large enough to carry 6 adults comfortably.
    a. I have no children.
    b. My spouse drives one, too.

3. I shop for clothes in the same establishments as my teenaged children.
    a. I share clothes with my teenaged children.
    b. They’re not my children.

4. I wear work-out attire to places other than the gym or my home.
    a. I buy my workout attire from lululemon.
    b. I don’t go to the gym.

5. I go to Starbuck’s more than 4 times a week.
    a. I’ve yelled at a ‘barista’ more than once.
    b. The name of my favourite Starbuck’s beverage has more than 4 syllables.

6. I wear a gold chain around my neck.
    a. I like to make sure the chain can be seen at all times.
    b. I bought the chain for myself.

7. I wear golf shirts with the collar turned up.
    a. I use the term ‘popped’ without irony.
    b. I wear more than 1 popped collar at a time.

8. I use some manner of hair gel, paste, etc. regularly.
     a. My hairstyle involves a ‘point’ at the top of my head and/or streaks of alternating colours.
     b. I refer to anything I use on my hair as ‘product’.

9. I actually enjoy having my picture taken while in social situations.
     a. My signature pose includes ‘serious eyes’, pursed lips, and (optionally) some manner of hand signals.
     b. Everyone else in the picture looks like me.

10. Whenever possible and in all situations, I like to wear casual sandals.
    a. When sandals aren’t feasible, I wear Crocs or Uggs.
    b. I own at least one pair of each.

11. All my children are named similarly – e.g. start with the same letter.
    a. I named our purebred Golden Retriever in a similar fashion.
    b. This helps me remember their names since I don’t spend much time with any of them.

12. I live in a big house surrounded by other big houses that look just like mine.
    a. There are no trees within 5km of my house.
    b. There is nothing but the colour beige within 5km of my house.

Douchebag Standard Scale:

0 to 6 - You're a normal, imperfect, self-aware human being. Congrats!

7 to 18 - You have dangerously Douchebag-like tendancies. Substitiute Tim Horton's for Starbuck's for the next 30 days. Ballcaps must not be worn at a jaunty angle any longer.

19 to 26 - You are an acolyte Douchebag and require immediate intervention. The standard course of shock treatment must include a rusted Chevy Cavalier, a Walmart wardrobe makeover, and a punch in the face for every utterance of dude, fo sho, or woot.

27 to 36 - You are a Douchebag - Douchebag. Proceed to the closest Aeropostale for further instructions.

5 comments:

Kid Dork said...

Bravo, dear sir. Even if I currently drive a rusty Chevy Cavalier.

Crazylegs said...

High praise, indeed. Thanks! But about the Cavalier: I had planned to say 'rusted, 13 year-old minivan', but I felt that imposing my sorry world on someone else - even a Douchebag - was a little too cruel and likely to have attracted the attention of those Amnesty International guys.

Vanessa said...

I scored 3, but that is because I am a girl, and I use hair products every day. And they are called PRODUCTS because they are produced by someone, and otherwise must be referred to as individual items (eg. hairspray, mousse). Seriously though, this had me laughing. I hate those douchebags.

Crazylegs said...

Thanks, Vanessa. If I were to use the term 'hair product' I'd be obliged to report myself to the Guy Council for summary judgement. But here's a secret: I sometimes use 'hair stuff' that's not shampoo!

You see, I have to wear my hair short. If I don't, I end up looking like a really freaky cousin of the Brady Bunch boys.

Not cool.

But for the first few days after I get my hair cut short, I look like I might be receiving shock-therapy on an outpatient basis. So I have to use 'hair stuff' (in a COMPLETELY non-Douchebag way) to keep my folicles in line.

But don't tell a soul about this, okay?

David said...

I scored zero. Actually, I should get -1 as I haven't brushed or combed my hair since 1989. True fact.

You guys really have to steer clear of Starbucks.

Strike that--you need to go once a month and report back. The resulting posts are gold. Gold Jerry!