Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Kid Dork, 1965 - 2007 RIP

Sean Twist - noted pop culturalist, Guitar Hero, and guerrilla-writer for hire - was found dead today in his heretofore unnoticed Fortress of Solitude, somewhere in London, Ontario. The gruesome discovery was made by a delegation from Comic Retailers Against Poverty (CRAP) as they marched on Mr. Twist's residence. They had intended to confront Twist about lost revenues they claim resulted from his recent decision to focus his energies away from comic books towards hard-to-get overseas cartoon DVDs. Instead, they found themselves calling 911 after a brief slapfight over who should make the call.

CRAP spokesman Norbert Nerdlinger had this to say, "We were pretty shocked about what we saw through Sean's basement window. But, you know, we're still kinda mad because he's got like 9 people who read his blog and they don't buy comics from us anymore just because Sean went all nuts for anime or something. We think it's a warning. Just stay away from that Japanese stuff. I mean, Sean saw The Ring. He knew the risks!.".

Special Constable Doug (Doug) Douglas of London Police Services issued the following statement shortly after news of the Twist's death was leaked to the media:

There will be no official cause of death until the Medical Examiner's office has had an opportunity to do their job. You know, with laser lights and science stuff. However, we do not believe foul play is involved in this case. Observers at the scene of Mr. Twist's demise are pretty sure the cause of death was a 'head explosion'. The deceased was discovered clutching a computer monitor and the top of his head seems to have blown completely across the room. The following image was displayed on said computer monitor and we will be treating this as a solid lead.

While London Police puzzle over the this clue in what has been dubbed The Monitor Girl Mystery, crack reporter Natasha Duvet of The London Freak Press did an intensive Google search through an entire lunch hour and dug up a few juicy clues of her own.

According to Duvet, the mystery girl is, in fact, British actress/bombshell Billie Piper. "Our sources indicate that Mr. Twist was something of a fan of Ms. Piper. As well, Piper has apparently made some kind of sex movie. We believe there might be a link here and...oops, lunchtime's over! Must run now - reports of cougars attacking teachers or something out in Byron...".

Ms. Duvet added as she ran for her car, "You know, that Billie Piper has a nice smile. Makes me feel funny in my stomach.... shame about Sean's head exploding and all. Still.... that smile...".

Stay tuned for more lurid updates as the story unfolds.


IntrepidReporter said...

It's a shame Twist died the way he did, but according to the coroner, there were the remnants of a smile on his face. Poor bastard.

David said...

I hope he died as he lived, with wine in his hand and a cat on his lap. Any idea of what the Vulcan Ninja is going to go with his collection? Maybe sell them cheap to an old friend of Sean's?

David said...

The cause of death with be dehydration. A mysterious loss of bodily fluids down to the fact that Billie Piper is currently appearing in Diary of a Call-girl.

Anonymous said...