Tuesday, September 18, 2007

From Whence They Came

When I'm really bored I like to check the tracking info for this blog and find out how people end up here. Obviously I exclude the 4 or 5 sick puppies who come here on a semi-regular basis of their own volition. Usually, it's pretty pedestrian stuff - somebody Googling for theater of cruelty or one of its isotopes. Other times it's someone even further to the right than I on the Bored-O-Meter who clicks 'next blog' just for giggles - and wins the lottery.

But sometimes.... sometimes I scratch my head and wonder what chain of events, what drunken scheming, what wild-ass lost bet led them here. So, here are some recent Google faves that inexplicably resulted in some poor bastard clicking a link to my Vanity Project:

tourist spots in London Ontario - a paradox, since Google should return no hits

Seinfeld hair - can't even imagine what they were after

crocs bare feet - do clowns 'go commando' inside their big floppy shoes?

bullwhips london ontario - makes me feel tingly all over

theater of cruelty pictures - sick individual or English lit major? You decide.

knights of the dinner table geocaching - a geek looking for fresh air and daylight. Godspeed son.

So, how'd you get here?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Kid Dork, 1965 - 2007 RIP

Sean Twist - noted pop culturalist, Guitar Hero, and guerrilla-writer for hire - was found dead today in his heretofore unnoticed Fortress of Solitude, somewhere in London, Ontario. The gruesome discovery was made by a delegation from Comic Retailers Against Poverty (CRAP) as they marched on Mr. Twist's residence. They had intended to confront Twist about lost revenues they claim resulted from his recent decision to focus his energies away from comic books towards hard-to-get overseas cartoon DVDs. Instead, they found themselves calling 911 after a brief slapfight over who should make the call.

CRAP spokesman Norbert Nerdlinger had this to say, "We were pretty shocked about what we saw through Sean's basement window. But, you know, we're still kinda mad because he's got like 9 people who read his blog and they don't buy comics from us anymore just because Sean went all nuts for anime or something. We think it's a warning. Just stay away from that Japanese stuff. I mean, Sean saw The Ring. He knew the risks!.".

Special Constable Doug (Doug) Douglas of London Police Services issued the following statement shortly after news of the Twist's death was leaked to the media:

There will be no official cause of death until the Medical Examiner's office has had an opportunity to do their job. You know, with laser lights and science stuff. However, we do not believe foul play is involved in this case. Observers at the scene of Mr. Twist's demise are pretty sure the cause of death was a 'head explosion'. The deceased was discovered clutching a computer monitor and the top of his head seems to have blown completely across the room. The following image was displayed on said computer monitor and we will be treating this as a solid lead.

While London Police puzzle over the this clue in what has been dubbed The Monitor Girl Mystery, crack reporter Natasha Duvet of The London Freak Press did an intensive Google search through an entire lunch hour and dug up a few juicy clues of her own.

According to Duvet, the mystery girl is, in fact, British actress/bombshell Billie Piper. "Our sources indicate that Mr. Twist was something of a fan of Ms. Piper. As well, Piper has apparently made some kind of sex movie. We believe there might be a link here and...oops, lunchtime's over! Must run now - reports of cougars attacking teachers or something out in Byron...".

Ms. Duvet added as she ran for her car, "You know, that Billie Piper has a nice smile. Makes me feel funny in my stomach.... shame about Sean's head exploding and all. Still.... that smile...".

Stay tuned for more lurid updates as the story unfolds.